A Dialysis Recipie

dialysis Jim Forest via Compfight


1 Dialysis machine

2 Needles, from 18 to 13 gauge.

(If the patient has a catheter, forgo the needles).

1 Chair, preferably reclinable.

1 Patient.

(You may need broth or ice chips, depending on the patient.)


Ask the patient to sit down and get a comfortable as possible.

Add the needles to the patient’s fistula in their arm or leg.

Start the machine taking care to only pump a cup of blood at a time.

Periodically check on your patient, offering ice chips if they are thirsty

Offer warm broth if they are experiencing cramps

Due to the sucking power of the spankin’ machine.

After 4 hours, your patient should be about done.

Remove the needles, one at a time

Apply quite a bit of gauze and tape, making sure it is the “other” tape

So when the patient removes it, the pain of the tape removal

Shifts the focus off the pain of their arm or leg.

Repeat every 48 hours.



[Poem #163.  Author’s Note:  Don’t even get me started on that spankin’ tape.  I mean, where do they find such dastardly stuff.  Good gravy that tape hurts. :-]

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