Then There Is That Guy

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Then there is that guy.
We all know that guy.
If you don’t, then it’s probably you.

Nobody wants to be that guy.
That guy is the one who tries to date your girlfriend
Two weeks after you break up.
Ladies, that guy is the one who tries to get all up on you
At the club.
We all know that guy.

Then there is the guy who wears the fanny pack at the mall,
Thinking he is God’s gift to estrogen.
But not to be confused with the guy who walks the beaches,
With a teeny-tiny Speedo and a gut hanging down to Australia,
Trying to get your phone number.

Yet that guy is always the one who seems to have the uber attractive woman.
You say to yourself, “Self, how did that guy end up with her?
How, in the bluest of blue Hades did that guy end up with her?”
Chica who is fine as wine and twice as nice.
That’s just wrong.

Even at a young age ladies, that guy was acting up.
He was that kid in seventh grade
Who snuck up behind you and snapped your training bra.

That guy was the same little ______ who threw spitballs in your hair
When the teacher wasn’t looking, and when you yelled at him
You were the one who got into trouble.

I can’t stand that guy!

Fellas, that guy was also the kid in seventh grade
With the full beard and 16 inch biceps
Who made fun of your bird chest and toothpick arms
During kickball and four square.

Years later, he grows up to be the guy you meet at the club
Whose breath arrives before he does
In a button down shirt that’s two sizes two small
Saying to you ladies, “Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas.”

That guy has got to go.
He is everywhere, a crime against nature.
Because no one truly, honestly,
Wants to be

That guy.

[I’m still accepting submissions of poetry for Poemvember next month.  Your poetry shines because you shine.  Email me your poetry and let the world see your brillance!]


[Photo by GimletEyes]
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  • Jay,

    This is sooooooo funny! I definitely want to spread this wisdom around! Well, you have a lot of God’s wisdom to pass around, so this will keep me busy. In my experience of people watching and just living life, I’ve come to the conclusion that, generally, the things that scream the loudest about you will be the characteristics that attract someone. So if you’re super funny, you will attract someone who likes that. But if you’re snarky, dark and rude, believe me, you will attract one of those, too. And if he’s not quite out with his own dark, snarky behavior, there’s still time. It will eventually come out. Everyone’s true nature does eventually shine forth when the guard is down, when the guy does not feel he needs to impress anymore. It’s that time and beyond that a girl’s gotta pay attention to.
    Nice poem!!

  • That’s a lot of deep insight you’ve written Silvia. Your right, we can only keep our…true self under wraps for so long. And don’t even get me started on “that woman.” 🙂

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