What Porn Taught Me About Religion

Jesus Loves Porn Stars

So then there was the time I was addicted to porn.  It was in my early to mid 20’s.  This post isn’t a sermon, it’s me telling a part of my story (why do I feel like I have to give a disclaimer…interesting).

H.I.D.E- How I Deceived Everyone

During this time, I went to church, I played music with church groups, and on the outside, I appeared to have it all together.  But all I had on was a mask of religion, a veneer of spirituality.  A churchface.

I knew enough verses to fake it in a conversation, and if I had met you then, I probably would have tried to “save your soul” (keyword: I), despite how inside, I was completely messed up.

What porn showed me was how empty and alone I was on the inside.  There was a gaping hole that I tried to fill with porn, but no matter how much I consumed, it just wouldn’t fill.  Sure, I had my religion, but my heart was breaking.  My hypocrisy was at an all time high. Hypocrisy let me H.I.D.E.

Trying To Detox On My Own= Epic Fail

I tried to quit.  I tried to pray enough, to read my bible enough, to play bass enough, to go to church enough.  I was trying to address the issue of porn, but not the real issues going on under the pornographic umbrella.

Looking in the rear view, talking to someone would have been the best thing I could have done, but I was afraid the conversation would have gone something  like this:

“Hey Jermaine, what’s up?”

“Not much, going to church, then watching porn all afternoon.  Please help me.”

“Umm…what?”

So I tried to do it on my own.  Focusing on just the porn with my religious arsenal.  And I failed.  Time and time and time and time and time again.  The gaping hole grew wider and wider, but my shame and guilt became less and less.  So…

Honesty Wins!

I wish I could say religion rescued me from porn, but it didn’t.  It only gave me permission to H.I.D.E.  So what happened?

In January of 2005, I started addressing the deeper issues.  My feelings of loneliness, of being single, my sincere desire to feel loved, of using religion as a cure while my heart yearned for something more, etc.  I decided to stop trying to ignore these things and be in the mess – the hurt, the pain, and the wounds.  I remember distinctly telling myself, “I don’t want to watch porn anymore” and I began the hard part of embracing my deeper concerns.  Yikes!

It was so much easier to be a hypocrite and watch porn than to spankin’ man up, be sensitive to my issues and deal with the mess.  It still is.

Instead of trying to seek rescue from religion, God brought me from that place to a place of true respect for myself and women.  To see myself as having value and seeing the value in people.  In starting to be very real and honest with myself and God, my willpower has grown so much from that day in ’05.

I’ve been sober since, but it’s a daily decision.  Under no circumstances is it easy; have you seen this thing called the Internet?  But you don’t have to deal with it by yourself.  Trust me, trying to do that sucks!

If you are dealing with this, I hear you.  It’s not a male or female issue, it’s a human issue.  You have value and are worthy of being loved.  You’re not alone, you are loved.  Hit me up on my email, lane@jermainelane.com and I’ll listen and help where I can.

Porn taught me that religion is a good place to H.I.D.E. and not deal with personal issues.  Honesty taught me God will save the day, and there is hope.

[photo by tavarua]

 

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8 Comments

  • Man you nailed it Jermaine—deadon! Really when a man or woman gets caught up serving two masters they become utterly miserable.An individual can easily start hating the whole concept and then of course this is what God wants in the first place. But alas, the door is then opened for God’s Holy Spirit to do the convicting and the leading into the truth about the entire ordeal and ultimately deliverance comes forth. You are a brave man indeed for sharing this and a better man also—God Bless you my friend—always–Joel!!

  • Kudos to you, Jermaine for being so transparent and real. I’m sure your testimony will reach exactly the person(s) who need it most. God bless you for putting yourself out there.

  • Just out of curiosity, are you saying that willpower is what is keeping you from watching it today? You consider that releasing an addiction or just addiction management?

    Ever heard of Dr. Malachi York? He has shared some very good insight regarding porn, its reason for existence and it’s evolution. Check out some of the psychology he shares about it on YouTube.

    • Hi Nikoya,

      I think willpower plays a part, but willpower alone can only do so much. I think being honest with yourself as well. I see it more as self management vs. addiction management. If I can deal with/manage me, then dealing with other things comes a bit easier.

      What are your thoughts? I haven’t heard of Dr. Malachi York, I’ll have to check it out sometime.

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